Best man swears this toast won't be a roast

He wanted to focus on all of Tim's good qualities, like... He thanks everyone for coming and wishes them a good night. Then he admits he's kidding, and introduces himself as Tim's favorite brother. "Yes, his only brother, but that doesn't matter."

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The brothers first met on the day Joe was born, which he calls "one of the greatest days in human history." He doesn't remember much of it, since he was going through a lot at the time. Still, they shared an instant connection. "We both immediately disliked each other."

Their fights, Joe explains, came partly from very different personalities. In his telling, Tim was the loud, obnoxious one, and Joe was the calm and good-looking one. He was a little surprised to be picked as best man, since it means he gets to say whatever he wants in front of all Tim's friends and family, "a moment I've been looking forward to for years."

To show how the fights went, he reads a short poem he wrote. Tim pulled him off the top bunk. Tim splashed him with a puddle while he was out jogging, so Joe threw a full glass of water in his face when his friends were over. Tim lost at ping-pong and threw the paddle into the neighbor's yard. And Joe may or may not have peed on Tim's car. The upside, he says, is that they both got really good at asking forgiveness.

Tim, Joe goes on, has always had a strange love for weapons. He once had an actual sword delivered from Amazon to his cubicle at work, and the company had to start a no-weapons policy. "They said it was cutting down on productivity." So it came as a real shock, Joe says with a straight face, when Tim joined the Marines.

Then the jokes stop. In front of everyone, Joe tells Tim how proud he is of all he has done in the Marines and how much he had to overcome to get there. They don't always see eye to eye, he says, but "you're still the best brother I could ever ask for. I love you, bro." Then, quickly, "All right, that's enough mushy stuff."

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He promises to be nice to Jess, too. He knew she would marry Tim on a hot day at the family's cabin at Hume Lake, after a round of frisbee golf, when Tim pulled off his socks, asked her to rub his feet, and she did. Tim's feet, Joe explains, smell so bad that if he took his shoes off right now, the people in the back would have to leave.

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Jess, he says, is beautiful, smart, funny, a hard worker and a good cook. "Your only flaw is your taste in men." She laughs and looks at the groom. He adds that weddings are the only time you get congratulated on a mistake, then backs off fast. "My mom's going to kill me for that."

He wraps up by telling the two of them they no longer have to go to the movies alone, or to Disneyland alone, or watch A Walk to Remember alone. "Not that I've done any of those things." Then he raises a glass to a lifetime of love, unity and happiness. A lot of viewers are already waiting for the sequel, when Joe gets married and Tim gets the microphone.